SYNOPSIS: The play consists of two different layers. The first layer is formed by various, often irresolvable situations of six friends and colleagues. The second layer within the play are sentences, words, syllables and speech sounds addressed without any significance or meaning. At the beginning, the colleagues give monologues about the interests they have and finally assume that their discussion is pointless. In the next scene, we move to the ticket office at the railway station and then finish at a dance school. This is followed by a kind of evaluation, but we never find out what it is that is being evaluated. The only thing we know is that a bright future awaits us. The next scene is the birthday party of a boss. Again, we never find out how old he actually is. But that is not important and a whole range of congratulations, compliments and praises takes place onstage. The happy boss tells us about an absurd dream he had. The next scene is about a woman who takes pleasure in being beautiful. The next one is about a man who goes mad but nobody believes it. Another one is about how to suffer, followed by a scene depicting an absurd phone call. The fourteenth and final scene opens with an idyll in a children’s playground. Everything is beautiful, everyone is happy, the sun is shining… Suddenly, a conflict emerges, then a fight, and the play finishes with the final monologue of a boss on the topic of children’s education and the beautiful future at hand. At the end, we find everyone in cramps, scratching their whole body. That’s the last stage of psoriasis.
NUMBER OF PAGES: 18
CAST: 6 men
GENRE: absurd comedy
CHARACTERS:
LARGE
SMALL
TALL
SHORT
THICK
THIN
SAMPLE TEXT
(The acting is a very important component of this play. The actors’ body movements, gestures, expressions etc. The musical component is also very important. Psychological realism should be avoided. The play requires a great degree of styling in acting, as well as in direction and music. Be open to experiment. Everything depends on the fantasy and creativity of the people involved. Before the text itself starts, the introduction to the play should be kinematic and musical. The structure of language is also the subject of experimenting – phrases, words, syllables, sounds. These may be altered or extended at discretion. Some scenes are related, some are not, or only very loosely. As far as the backdrop is concerned, it is up the fantasy of the people involved. The author assumed “empty space” when writing the play.)
SCENE 1
TALL: It needs more black pepper.
SMALL: Does it?
LARGE: She was born under the sign of Leo.
SHORT: It’s impossible to understand.
THICK: I have one head, two arms, two legs, one nose…
THIN: Two eyes, two ears, 145 000 hairs. More or less.
SHORT: I am rich.
LARGE: Now pay attention.
TALL: How far is the nearest station?
THICK: Don’t look so innocent.
SMALL: Huh, it’s cold up here.
THIN: Head up, boy.
SMALL: It’s such a thrill.
TALL: Forget about it.
THICK: What goes around…
LARGE: She was as busy as a beaver.
SHORT: I love mac and cheese.
THIN: Just follow your nose.
TALL: Ah, those Muses.
THICK: Where‘s my wallet?
SMALL: My dear Patricia.
LARGE: I’d like a toothpick.
SHORT: Crisscrossing the country.
THIN: I think he let himself down a bit.
SMALL: Excuse me, may I have a seat?
THICK: He was a great artist.
LARGE: I don’t want to listen to this.
SHORT: It’s stunning.
TALL: And we add a pinch of black pepper.
THINN: You mean on Tuesday?
THICK: It was a wonderful holiday.
SHORT: Go and take a look.
(Lights off.)
SCENE 2
TALL: Well…
SMALL: Sure.
LARGE: Really?
SMALL: In a way, yes.
SHORT: I agree.
THICK: And you?
THIN: It depends.
THICK: Don’t try to avoid the question.
THIN: You are the last person I would reveal something to.
LARGE: Calm down, please.
TALL: Yes, let’s be constructive.
SHORT: That sounds reasonable.
THICK: He started it.
THIN: What a clown.
SMALL: Slob.
LARGE: That’s true.
TALL: Gentlemen, please be more original.
SHORT: I agree.
LARGE: We should keep in mind why we met here, anyway.
THIN: He started it. Dumbo.
THICK: Punk.
THIN: Asshole.
LARGE: Gentlemen, please, let’s be original.
SHORT: I agree.
SMALL: It sucks.
TALL: Gentlemen, we need to be more straightforward. I suggest silence for a while..
SHORT: I agree.
LARGE: All right, gentlemen, let’s be quiet. Star-ting-now.
(Pause.)
THIN: All I want to say is that…
ALL: Shh!
(Pause.)
LARGE: Thank you gentlemen, you can talk again.
(All at once.)
TALL: I bought a new bike yesterday. Everyone was telling me, “why d’you walk on foot everywhere“, so I have finally bought one. It’s a brand new model, a mountain bike with 28 inch wheels. I’ve been asking myself, “why hadn’t I bought it before? The bike’s great stuff. You can ride places where you had to walk on foot before. It’s a hell of a great thing. And it saves you time. That bike makes me happy, it really does.
SMALL: I’m still thinking about our last holiday. I was in Croatia, me and my wife, we stayed by the sea. The sea was clean as always, so we went swimming a lot. And it was sunny, so we lay on the beach. The weather was hot, but when you’re at the sea, it doesn’t bother you at all. Even the food was delicious. Great holiday. We have been to Croatia eleven times. So I’m looking forward to next year.
SHORT: You’re accusing me of being drunk? I haven’t tasted a drop of alcohol in my life. Tea, coffee, that’s different. But beer, wine, or spirits, never. And I’m a sworn enemy of cigarettes as well. It’s terrible, how alcohol and cigarettes destroy people’s lives. And then they are surprised when they die of stroke or cancer in their forties. And that’s why I always say – no alcohol, no cigarettes.
THICK: I put on the apron three months after the wedding. I had no choice. But necessity and duty gradually turned into passion. Cooking has become an exciting hobby for me. I cook everything: soups, puddings, sauces, gravies, salads, I roast and fry meat, steam vegetables, cook pasta, rice, potatoes, add spices and seasoning… It’s thrilling. Without cooking, my life would be gray and dull. I like cooking because it is a creative activity and I can use my imagination. My motto is – cook and live.
THIN: If you don’t mind, I’d like to tell you something I think you should know.
I’ll tell you straight away. You should know that I have absolutely no problem sharing that. On the other hand, I’m a little worried whether you will be interested in it at all. Maybe I’m totally indifferent to you and you don‘t care about me. But let me do it, I’ll tell you whether you like it or not. I’ve just decided to tell you and that’s it. Finally, it may not even matter if I tell you or not. And I will do it. Listen. I’m fed up with my life.
LARGE: (Claps his hands. All fall silent. Pause.) You potato head, you nitwit, you cheeky little boy, goddammit. You are always offended, for goodness’ sake, you fool, Johnny, go.
TALL: Thanks. I bought a new bike yesterday. Everyone was telling me, “why d’you walk on foot everywhere“, so I have finally bought one. It’s a brand new model, a mountain bike with 28 inch wheels. I’ve been asking myself, “why hadn’t I bought it before? The bike’s great stuff. You can ride places where you had to walk on foot before. It’s a hell of a great thing. And it saves you time. That bike makes me happy, it really does.
SHORT: Well, it makes sense.
SMALL: I think so…
THICK: But on the other hand…
THIN: Sounds real.
LARGE: Let’s move a few steps forward. Next one. Jamie, go.
SMALL: Thank you. I’m still thinking about our last holiday. I was in Croatia, me and my wife, we stayed by the sea. The sea was clean as always, so we went swimming a lot. And it was sunny, so we lay on the beach. The weather was hot, but when you’re at the sea, it doesn’t bother you at all. Even the food was delicious. Great holiday. We have been to Croatia eleven times. So I’m looking forward to next year.
TALL: I am not narrow-minded, but…
SHORT: I think it’s getting more complicated.
THIN: I agree.
THICK: I don’t care.
LARGE: Gentlemen, avoid unnecessary modesty. Let’s move a little further. Charlie, go.
SHORT: Thank you. You’re accusing me of being drunk? I haven’t tasted a drop of alcohol in my life. Tea, coffee, that’s different. But beer, wine, or spirits, never. And I’m a sworn enemy of cigarettes as well. It’s terrible, how alcohol and cigarettes destroy people’s lives. And then they are surprised when they die of stroke or cancer in their forties. And that’s why I always say – no alcohol, no cigarettes.
SMALL: I think we’ve reached a point where reason is useless.
TALL: It’s fate.
THICK: I don’t think so.
THIN: I better be quiet.
LARGE: I think this is no place for over-exaggeration. Let’s move a bit. Your turn, Frankie.
THICK: Thank you. I put on the apron three months after the wedding. I had no choice. But necessity and duty gradually turned into passion. Cooking has become an exciting hobby for me. I cook everything: soups, puddings, sauces, gravies, salads, I roast and fry meat, steam vegetables, cook pasta, rice, potatoes, add spices and seasoning… It’s thrilling. Without cooking, my life would be gray and dull.
I like cooking because it is a creative activity and I can use my imagination.
My motto is – cook and live.
SHORT: I almost took it for granted.
TALL: Could be worse.
SMALL: Could it?
THIN: I don’t want to sound offensive.
LARGE: Well, it’s time to face this problem and accept the challenge. Let’s hit the spot. Mickey, go.
THIN: If you don’t mind, I’d like to tell you something I think you should know.
I’ll tell you straight away. You should know that I have absolutely no problem sharing that. On the other hand, I’m a little worried whether you will be interested in it at all. Maybe I’m totally indifferent to you and you don‘t care about me. But let me do it, I’ll tell you whether you like it or not. I’ve just decided to tell you and that’s it. Finally, it may not even matter if I tell you or not. And I will do it. Listen. I’m fed up with my life.
SHORT: I am losing all the clues here.
SMALL: It’s fine with me.
THICK: Too much philosophy, if I may say so.
TALL: I have the same impression.
LARGE: Thank you for your speeches, for your inspirational suggestions. Nevertheless, I must admit with a great deal of sadness, that we haven’t moved anywhere at all.
SMALL: No way.
SHORT: Impossible.
TALL: Yes, we have.
THIN: Unbelievable.
THICK: Ref, you are blowing the game – I’m keeping my mouth shut.
LARGE: Yes, gentlemen, unfortunately the situation is getting serious. We are walking in a vicious circle. It’s sad but it’s true. Therefore, we will once again reflect on this problem. Let’s try to cut this Gordian knot. Let’s try to mobilize all the forces, it needs a bit more courage. Don‘t be afraid to attack, to bring these walls down, don‘t be afraid, because…
TALL: And what about our discussion?
THIN: I agree…
SMALL: Yes, think it over.
SHORT: Count me in.
THICK: It’s our responsibility…
LARGE: I see, gentlemen, that you are ready to take any risks upon you. Well then, let’s do it.
(Lights off.)
SCENE 3
LARGE: Your choice.
SMALL: Got angry?
THICK: I’m leaving.
TALL: You’re beautiful.
THIN: Freezing outside.
SHORT: Sweet girl.
SMALL: Pardon me.
TALL: Dark forest.
THICK: I forgive you.
LARGE: She’s nasty.
SHORT: Every day.
THIN: Why not?
TALL: Late bus.
LARGE: Good morning.
THICK: Decent man.
SMALL: Nevermore.
THIN: Hot coffee.
SHORT: Go there.
LARGE: Clean paper.
SMALL: Say that.
THICK: Nice view.
TALL: I can.
SHORT: Love you.
THIN: Red apple.
LARGE: Get out.
THICK: Empty glass.
SMALL: I want it.
(Lights off.)
SCENE 4
(Large is seated on a chair in the middle of the stage. Small approaches him.)
SMALL: Be blessed, little old bench.
LARGE: Be blessed, little old girl.
(Pause.)
SMALL: Be blessed, little old bench.
LARGE: Well, I heard you, queue up. Next.
THICK: Don’t push me.
THIN: I was here first.
THICK: Punk.
THIN: Excuse me.
THICK: Shame on you.
THIN: Shut up. – Excuse me, is this train going to the Highlands?
LARGE: All speed trains go to the Highlands.
THIN: So, a senior ticket, please.
LARGE: Four fifty, queue up. Next.
THICK: Make a little space, young lady.
LARGE: I am your sister. Queue up. Next.
TALL: Excuse me, you look a bit familiar. Aren’t we compatriots?
LARGE: Ein hundert zwanzig, ja naturlich, nehmen sie Platz.
TALL: Muchas gracias.
LARGE: Queue up. Next.
SHORT: How many fingers do you see?
LARGE: Two.
SHORT: And now?
LARGE: Four.
SHORT: You see.
LARGE: Well done. Queue up. And that’s it. Now, little girls and boys, let me greet you most sincerely at the first opening class of our dance course. Please choose a partner. Right, great. Yes?
SHORT: Please, be so kind.
LARGE: And?
SHORT: I…
LARGE: Yes, what is on your mind? Say it aloud.
SHORT: Sorry, I don’t have a partner. I have nobody to dance with.
LARGE: Well, that’s not a tragedy at all. And are you a boy or a girl?
SHORT: If you don’t mind, I am a boy.
LARGE: Excellent, so you will dance with me.
(Lights off.)
SCENE 5
LARGE: Well, I think we‘ve made it.
TALL: It wasn’t bad.
SMALL: It was a success.
SHORT: Small, but a success.
THICK: Ours.
THIN: Our success.
TALL: Indeed.
SMALL: And beside…
LARGE: Yes?
SMALL: Nothing.
LARGE: No, just finish it.
SMALL: I don’t want to sound pathetic.
SHORT: Don’t be shy..
THICK: Don’t hesitate.
THIN: Courage.
TALL: We are waiting.
SMALL: Fine.
LARGE: Watch out, gentlemen, here it comes.
SMALL: Did you see the shining eyes of those little children?
SHORT: Yes, they were in the first row.
TALL: And even a parish priest was applauding.
THIN: Truly a wonderful audience.
THICK: They all were.
SMALL: Nevertheless…
LARGE: What?
SMALL: I think…
LARGE: Yes?
SMALL: No need to rest on our laurels, move ahead.
TALL: Continue.
THICK: Wake up.
SHORT: Walk forward.
THIN: Fight.
SMALL: Struggle.
THICK: Win.
TALL: And die.
SHORT: Believe.
THIN: Look for hope.
SMALL: Gather all the strength.
LARGE: Yes, gentlemen. New horizons lie ahead.
(Lights off.)
SCENE 6
TALL: Rains.
SMALL: Death.
LARGE: Soup.
SHORT: Coming.
THICK: Sunny.
THIN: Worm.
LARGE: Dying.
SMALL: Smelly.
SHORT: Stay.
THICK: Mainly.
TALL: Fruity.
THIN: Glass.
SHORT: Disgusting.
LARGE: Late.
THICK: Bus.
TALL: Naturally.
SMALL: Fresh.
THIN: Scooter.
SHORT: Explosion.
THICK: Angry.
LARGE: Hand.
(Lights off.)
SCENE 7
TALL: Our dear celebrant. On behalf of all our members and on behalf of myself, I want to wish you the best and celebrate your anniversary, your bright jubilee…
SMALL: To your fiftieth birthday…
SHORT: Fortieth…
THICK: Thirtieth…
THIN: Twentieth…
TALL: And please, accept this humble gift, the expression of our love…
SMALL: Of our heart…
SHORT: Of our soul…
THICK: A virtue of necessity…
THIN: To…
TALL: What?
THIN: To live…
TALL: I see. To live among us for as many years…
SMALL: Months…
SHORT: Weeks…
THICK: Days…
THIN: Hours…
TALL: Long live, our dear…
SMALL: Long live, our dearest…
SHORT: Always with us…
THICK: We love you…
THIN: You are one of us…
(Pause.)
LARGE: Boys, boys, boys. I have tears in my eyes. I’ve never been so happy in my life. What a surprise. I wasn’t prepared for any… I wouldn’t dream of… Such a pleasure… Really, only to express my gratitude… Hard to find the words… I can’t even express and anyway, you understand…
TALL: Yes, boss, we understand.
SMALL: We got it, boss.
SHORT: All clear, boss.
THICK: Yes, words are useless.
THIN: Let love do the talking.
LARGE: Boys, I love you.
SHORT: Boss, you are a real class.
TALL: Yes boss, a real man.
SMALL: Boss, you look five years younger.
THIN: More than five.
THICK: Ten.
LARGE: Boys…
TALL: Boss, you rock.
SMALL: Such character.
SHORT: Such strength.
THICK: Judgement.
THIN: Wisdom.
LARGE: Boys…
TALL: You’re the best, boss.
SMALL: And even more.
SHORT: Much more.
THICK: Words cannot express…
THIN: Impossible to grasp.
LARGE: Boys, I am overwhelmed with joy. Now let me, as an expression of my gratitude, I want to tell you about a dream. The dream I had last night.
TALL: Yes, boss, that would be great.
SHORT: We can’t wait.
SMALL: Tell us, boss.
THICK: Do it now.
THIN: We are all ears.
LARGE: So, boys, I had a dream. And, as a matter of fact, I have to tell you that it was very, very funny dream. So funny, that I can’t… (He laughs.) Well, the dream goes like this. I’m sitting in a boat…
(They all laugh.)
TALL: He said boat…
LARGE: And there is a leak.
(They all laugh.)
SMALL: He said leak…
LARGE: But I am not aware of it.
(They all laugh.)
SHORT: He’s not aware.
LARGE: The boat is sinking.
(They all laugh.)
THICK: He said sinking.
LARGE: And you know what happened?
(They all laugh.)
THIN: He said happened.
TALL: Boss, it’s really a very funny dream. That’s, if you don’t mind, why I want to ask you, tell us one more time. What you reckon, boys?
SMALL: Yes.
SHORT: Yes.
THICK: We all agree.
THIN: Yes, it will be a funny one.
LARGE: I’m not sure, boys.
TALL: Boss.
SMALL: Come on.
SHORT: Boss, don’t turn us down.
LARGE: Well, if you insist. The dream. – I’m sitting in a boat. And there is a leak. But I’m not aware of it. The boat is sinking. And you know what happened? I shat my pants.
(Nobody laughs. A long pause.)
TALL: My little fool.
SMALL: Cutie.
SHORT: Sweetie.
THICK: A tiny baby boy.
THIN: Such a sweet little mouth.
(Lights off.)
END OF SAMPLE TEXT
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