SYNOPSIS: Once Upon A Merry Autumn is a humorous story set in a nursing home. Residents of the home, amiable seniors, men and women, try to find excitement in their repetitive daily routine. They take walks in the park and have conversations about common things, discussing the same topics over and over again. Their memory isn’t like it used to be and needs a bit of training to keep it going. There is, however, also a special kind of romance in the air, but it is timid and secretive, lest anyone find out. The main topics of conversation are the nursing home cooking, the staff members, who are, naturally, great food for gossip, and there is also the popular TV series to discuss, as well as families, children, and grandchildren. The monthly visit of a priest and a doctor are welcome diversions. The seniors are used to the fact that a resident occasionally passes away, because death is a part of life. But the play ends cheerfully and happily – it is, after all, about love. Love, the spice of life at every age.
NUMBER OF PAGES: 14
CAST: 5 women, 4 men
GENRE: comedy
CHARACTERS:
ELIZABETH
ROSALIE
WILMA
JULIA
GEORGE
BEN
DR. HANDSOME – doctor
MARY – nurse
DON ANTONIO – priest
SAMPLE TEXT
(In a nursing home.)
SCENE 1
(In the park.)
ROSALIE: May I?
ELIZABETH: Sit down, it’s free, obviously.
ROSALIE: Thanks. (Pause.) Lovely sitting here…
ELIZABETH: What d’you mean?
ROSALIE: Next to you. – Forget it. – Mary looked fetching today.
ELIZABETH: Who?
ROSALIE: Nurse Mary – made an impression. She’s had her hair done.
ELIZABETH: Got style, that one.
ROSALIE: Perhaps she has a new sweetheart. She’s pretty too so she’s found herself a boyfriend. Must be serious, what you reckon?
ELIZABETH: Not my business, really.
ROSALIE: I have to ask her. Tease her a little, like: Mary, dear, how is the new fella? She’ll be confused, then turns red, she’ll turn red, alright. (Pause.) And you know about Dorothy stealing bread? Head nurse said we could take two slices but she’s been taking four. I saw it with my own eyes, and not just once. (Pause.) I wonder what she’s doing with all that bread. I bet it goes stale and she just throws it all out.
ELIZABETH: Pigeons.
ROSALIE: What?
ELIZABETH: Feeds the pigeons.
ROSALIE: Who?
ELIZABETH: Dorothy, obviously. She feeds the bread to the pigeons.
ROSALIE: Are you sure? Have you seen her?
ELIZABETH: I haven‘t. But someone has to feed those pigeons.
ROSALIE: Someone, all right, but Dorothy, who knows, maybe. (Pause.)
Shouldn’t we tell – head nurse?
ELIZABETH: Ah, what for? (Pause.)
ROSALIE: Isn’t it a waste, so much bread?
ELIZABETH: Poor pigeons have to eat something.
ROSALIE: True. Better be going back to my room. Coming?
ELIZABETH: I’ll stay a bit longer, you go.
ROSALIE: So should we report it, d’you think?
ELIZABETH: What?
ROSALIE: Dorothy, of course, her pigeon feeding.
ELIZABETH: What’s the point? (Pause.)
ROSALIE: (She stands up.) Nice weather today.
ELIZABETH: Mhm.
ROSALIE: Right, see ya.
ELIZABETH: Bye. (Exit Rosalie.)
SCENE 2
(In the park.)
BEN: Hi George.
GEORGE: Hello, my old man, how’s it going?
BEN: As usual. You know what?
GEORGE: I don’t.
BEN: Well…
GEORGE: Well?
BEN: Could you lend me a fiver?
GEORGE: What you need it for?
BEN: I want to buy nurse Mary some chocolate.
GEORGE: Chocolate you say?
BEN: I dunno, she’s so lonely. I want to make her happy. Make her smile a little.
GEORGE: For a fiver?
BEN: Yes, a Cadbury’s with walnuts, she’d like that. (Pause.)
GEORGE: And when you gonna pay me back?
BEN: Sunday. My son’s coming, he’ll bring me some cash.
GEORGE: Sure about that?
BEN: A hundred per cent.
GEORGE: Last time it was a hundred per cent, it took you three weeks to pay me back those two pounds.
BEN: My son didn’t come, he was down with the flu. Had to stay in bed. But he’s coming this week. We talked on the phone.
GEORGE: Sure?
BEN: You have my word.
GEORGE: Fine. After dinner.
BEN: After dinner.
GEORGE: But don’t tell anyone. Otherwise I won’t have any peace and quiet. What am I, a bank?!
BEN: Cheers, George, I promise, not a word. And thanks. After dinner then.
GEORGE: Cheers, old man.
SCENE 3
(TV room.)
ROSALIE: Passed away, passed away.
WILMA: Well, indeed, get out of the way.
ROSALIE: She was ill.
ELIZABETH: She wasn’t the youngest anymore.
ROSALIE: She died young.
BEN: She was old.
ROSALIE: You’re old.
JULIA: Move, we want to watch.
ROSALIE: Kiss my ass. She’s dead, it’s over for her.
ELIZABETH: She’ll have a nice funeral.
GEORGE: Did she have children?
WILMA: Two sons, apparently.
JULIA: Did not. She had a son and a daughter.
ROSALIE: The daughter’s still studying.
ELIZABETH: She’s going to be a doctor.
BEN: Well, won’t help her mum no more.
GEORGE: And the son’s a lawyer.
ROSALIE: He’s young.
WILMA: Ladies‘ man, from what I’ve heard.
ELIZABETH: Is he single?
JULIA: He is, but he has a girlfriend and they’re engaged.
ROSALIE: And she won’t be there for their wedding, poor thing.
WILMA: But it won’t work out for them, they’ll get divorced.
JULIA: How do you know?
WILMA: I’ve seen it.
JULIA: Where have you seen it?
WILMA: My folks’.
ROSALIE: Everybody gets divorced these days, Sodom and Gommorah everywhere.
ELIZABETH: That’s what happens when they live without God. And there is no happiness without the presence of God.
GEORGE: True, indeed.
ROSALIE: And my daughter got divorced even though she goes to church every week.
ELIZABETH: Because she married a bad person.
ROSALIE: He was an alcoholic.
ELIZABETH: As I said.
ROSALIE: She couldn’t stand it no more. He was stoned every day.
GEORGE: She sent him the divorce papers?
ROSALIE: Yes, she’d suffered a lot.
WILMA: But now she’s better, isn’t she?
ROSALIE: Yes, better.
JULIA: Any kids?
ROSALIE: Two. Son and a daughter. Dylan and Samantha. Dylan’s six.
Sammy’s eight.
BEN: They’ll miss their father.
ROSALIE: They will. But it couldn’t go on like that forever.
WILMA: Indeed it couldn’t. She still might find someone.
ROSALIE: Who?
WILMA: Your daughter, I guess.
ROSALIE: Right, she will.
JULIA: She’s still young, isn’t she?
ROSALIE: Thirty-two.
ELIZABETH: So? She’ll certainly find a new man.
ROSALIE: God help her. She’s got something going, as I understand it.
GEORGE: Great.
ROSALIE: Yes, it is. They met on the Internet. He’s a respectable person, a businessman.
BEN: Owns a company?
ROSALIE: He does. He sells houses and apartments and has his own place, a big fancy house.
BEN: Real estate chap.
ROSALIE: What?
GEORGE: A real estate agent, sells properties.
ROSALIE: Right, something like that.
ELIZABETH: This kind of people earn good money.
ROSALIE: He earns enough, I suppose.
BEN: Good match.
ROSALIE: It is, my daughter’s not complaining.
WILMA: Main thing is if he gets on with the kids.
ROSALIE: I hope he’ll treat them well. He’s also divorced, two kids, boys.
WILMA: Well then. The main thing’s your daughter is happy.
ROSALIE: Indeed, she is.
ELIZABETH: And I have two daughters as well. One is married, the other one’s single.
JULIA: Really?
ELIZABETH: And three grandchildren. Two grandsons and a granddaughter, Arlie.
JULIA: Lovely. And the boys?
ELIZABETH: Brayden and Jeremy. They’re really sweet. Brayden’s eight and Jem’s ten. And Arlie’s thirteen.
ROSALIE: Children do brighten up our lives.
WILMA: Like a sun.
ELIZABETH: And both my daughters are teachers.
JULIA: Wonderful.
ELIZABETH: And the son-in-law’s a car mechanic. Makes good money.
WILMA: So your daughter must be happy.
ELIZABETH: Well, she is.
MARY: Time to go to bed, turn off the TV.
ROSALIE: Wait, Mary, it’ll end in a minute.
MARY: Listen, guys, please don’t sleep here. You waste your time pretending that you watch those TV series.
BEN: I’m not sleeping, I just had my eyes closed. I’m still paying attention.
MARY: Fine, you can tell me what it was about tomorrow.
BEN: Even today if you like. Just come to my room.
MARY: Look at the chap, who would’ve guessed!
ROSALIE: Does he think he’s still thirty?
ELIZABETH: It’s the TV series, does weird things to people’s brains sometimes, if you ask me!
BEN: My brains, my brains?! It was Mary who started. Don’t leave me alone in this mess, Mary, dear.
MARY: All right, all right, Ben. Look, the show is over, we can turn the TV off. Good night.
BEN: Good night, Mary.
MARY: Next episode tomorrow.
ROSALIE: ‘Night.
MARY: Good night.
SCENE 4
(In the park.)
ROSALIE: What time is it, dear?
WILMA: Half past four.
ROSALIE: Not time for dinner yet, I suppose.
WILMA: No, dinner isn’t until six.
ROSALIE: Not until six?
WILMA: Yes, dear, at six.
ROSALIE: And when is that?
WILMA: In an hour and a half.
ROSALIE: An hour and a half? And what time is it now?
WILMA: Half past four.
ROSALIE: So it’s not dinner time yet?
WILMA: No, dinner time isn’t until six.
ROSALIE: I know it’s at six, no need to repeat it over and over again.
WILMA: You asked so I told you.
ROSALIE: Fine, keep your hair on, dear, I don’t have a watch as you might’ve noticed, so I asked. So that I don’t miss dinner.
WILMA: No, that’s fine. (Pause.)
ROSALIE: And what date is it today?
WILMA: Tuesday, October 13th.
ROSALIE: Tuesday, ok. Pension is in on Thursday. That’s two more days,
on Thursday. Am I right?
WILMA: You are. (Pause.)
ROSALIE: And what date d’you get yours?
WILMA: What?
ROSALIE: Pension.
WILMA: Twentieth.
ROSALIE: You still have a few days.
WILMA: I do.
ROSALIE: 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th, 20th. Today is Tuesday 13th, so Wesnesday 14th, Thursday, Friday, Saturday 18th, Monday, no, that‘s not right. Once again. 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. Seven days. A week. You get your pension in a week.
WILMA: Next week, yes.
ROSALIE: And mine is 15th. On Thursday, the day after tomorrow. Not dinner time yet, is it?
WILMA: No, it‘s at six, like I said.
ROSALIE: And what time is it now? You don’t mind me asking, do you?
WILMA: No, that‘s fine. It’s quarter to five.
ROSALIE: Well, we still have some time.
WILMA: Yes, we do.
ROSALIE: And what date is it today? Oh, I’ve asked that already, haven‘t I? It’s Tuesday October 13th. See how good my memory is? Alzheimer‘s doesnt‘t have a chance with my type. I’ve always had a good memory. Always good with numbers: 13,14, 15- my pension, 16,17,18,19,20- your pension. And we all get a bonus at Christmas.
WILMA: What?
ROSALIE: A Christmas bonus, 14 pounds. Well, it‘s something, at least I have something for my granchildren, they‘ll like that. Is it five o’clock yet?
WILMA: Five to five.
ROSALIE: Time flies, doesn‘t it. Almost five. One more hour and dinner will be on the table. At six.
WILMA: Exactly.
ROSALIE: Well, I’m leaving. I have to get ready. Wash my hands in my room and then straight to the dining room. There‘s always such a long queue. And I hate queues. I am going to get a good spot, I think. Coming, dear?
WILMA: I‘m going to sit here for a bit longer.
ROSALIE: I‘ll get you a good spot if you like. Would you like that?
WILMA: You can.
ROSALIE: Fine, enjoy the air, my dear.
WILMA: See you in the dining room.
SCENE 5
(In the park.)
ELIZABETH: Come here. We can sit over there. We won’t be interrupted by anyone.
GEORGE: All right. – May I?
ELIZABETH: Certainly. (Pause.)
GEORGE: My morning star.
ELIZABETH: Yes.
GEORGE: My beautiful, bright flower.
ELIZABETH: Yes.
GEORGE: Bubbly little creek.
ELIZABETH: Yes.
GEORGE: My spotty little ladybird.
ELIZABETH: You can do better.
GEORGE: My fierce little mountain stream.
ELIZABETH: Yes.
GEORGE: Long-legged little doe.
ELIZABETH: Excellent. – Be quiet.
ROSALIE: Hello, may I sit down?
ELIZABETH: Sure. (Pause.)
ROSALIE: What are we having for dinner today?
ELIZABETH: Shepherd‘s pie. (Pause.)
ROSALIE: Well, I’m going to get ready for dinner. Are you coming?
ELIZABETH: In a while. (Exit Rosalie.) Go on.
GEORGE: My long-legged little doe.
ELIZABETH: You said that already.
GEORGE: Did I?
ELIZABETH: Yes, you did, don’t you remember?
GEORGE: Hm. (Pause. He thinks hard.) My chirping little swallow.
ELIZABETH: That‘s lovely.
GEORGE: My radient firefly.
ELIZABETH: Yeah… (Pause.) Shall we go to the dining room?
GEORGE: And what are we having?
ELIZABETH: Shepherd‘s pie.
GEORGE: Ok, let’s go grab some pie.
END OF SAMPLE TEXT
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