SYNOPSIS: Children’s play. Cast of two female performers, girls acting as clowns. The two protagonists, always hungry, escape boredom by coming up with various situations and pretending to be different characters. First, they take on the roles of customer and waiter, then they pretend to travel by train. One is the passenger while the other is the conductor. The passenger inevitably doesn’t have a ticket and gets a fine. Then their roles switch and the situation is repeated. When they get tired of pretending to be on the train, they take on the role of pilots in a plane. A dramatic situation arises when their aircraft flies into an area with turbulence. Next, they are doctor and patient and an appendectomy is performed. After that, they travel again, this time to Paris. And how about jumping from the Eiffel Tower on a hang glider? They land in England. Then, one girl becomes a wicked queen, but despite her plans she changes and gives away all of her property to the poor. The play ends with a rocket trip to the Moon.
NUMBER OF PAGES: 8
CAST: 2 women
GENRE: comedy, buffoonery
CHARACTERS:
BESS
TESS
SAMPLE TEXT
TESS: Bess! Bess! Bess!
BESS: Why are you yelling?
TESS: I had a terrible dream.
BESS: Again?
TESS: I dreamed that you left me.
BESS: Relax. It was just a dream. I’m here with you.
TESS: Promise me you’ll never leave me.
BESS: I promise. Let’s do something fun.
TESS: I’m hungry.
BESS: You want a carrot?
TESS: You have one?
BESS: There was one over here. Where is it?
(Looks for the carrot.)
TESS: Let’s have a party.
BESS: I’ll be the waiter.
TESS: Waiter!
BESS: Yes, may I help you?
TESS: Pork cutlets with French fries and horseradish gravy, please. And make it snappy.
BESS: As you wish.
TESS: The service is terrible here. As good at serving as a duchess with a shovel. Hm, all I see these days are articles about a healthy diet. I like good, hearty food. Juicy beef, yummy pork, turkey, ham, not to mention dessert. I love cakes so much. Where is she with that plate?
BESS: Here you are, miss, your dish.
TESS: Took your time.
BESS: Jerk!
(Taps her over the hands.)
TESS: Ouch! What was that for?
BESS: Don’t you know you have to wash your hands before eating? Am I right, children?
TESS: You don’t have to.
BESS: What you mean “you don’t have to”? Do you have any idea how many millions of bacteria you have there?
TESS: Where?
BESS: On your hands. You could catch something. Am I right, children? See?
TESS: Don’t be silly, It’s just a common phrase. Great job on the waitress-ing, by the way.
BESS: Hang on. Can I bring fruit now?
TESS: Yes, exactly. Thank you.
(Song.)
BESS: Did you enjoy it?
TESS: It was delicious. Oww!
BESS: What’s going on?
TESS: I feel sick.
BESS: Well. Didn’t I tell you?
TESS: I’m stuffed. I think I’m going to the bathroom.
BESS: Straight down the hall and then right.
(Starts exercising.)
One, two, one, two, one, two…
TESS: What are you doing?
BESS: My daily exercise. Did you wash your hands?
TESS: I did. And why do you have to exercise?
BESS: To stay healthy, silly. One, two, one, two…
TESS: One, two…
BESS: Done. Let’s travel.
TESS: Great. Let’s go.
BESS: Your ticket, please.
TESS: No problem, give me a second. Now, where did I put that ticket?
BESS: Come on, I don’t have much time.
TESS: I… I think I must’ve lost it somewhere.
BESS: What?
TESS: The ticket, it’s lost.
BESS: You have to pay a fine. Where are you travelling to?
TESS: To Nottingham.
BESS: Manchester, that’ll be 60 pounds.
TESS: How much did you say?
BESS: You heard me. 60 pounds to Nottingham.
TESS: But I don’t have that much.
BESS: How much do you have?
TESS: Twenty.
BESS: In that case, I’ll have to ask you to leave the train at the next stop. That will be Leicester.
TESS: Ms. Conductor, please, I must reach Nottingham. What will I do in Leicester?
BESS: You will get off at Leicester, no discussion.
TESS: Please, miss.
BESS: No, you get off in Leicester, end of discussion.
TESS: Now I want to be the conductor.
BESS: Fine.
TESS: Listen here, buddy, do you have a ticket?
BESS: I do, here you are.
TESS: Show me, hm, but it’s not a valid one, it’s from yesterday. Where are you travelling?
BESS: To Alsager.
TESS: I’m sorry, but you’ll have to pay twenty pounds.
BESS: But I don’t have enough money.
TESS: That’s too bad. That means you’ll have to get off in Longton. Hah!
(Song.)
Now let’s travel by plane.
BESS: Ok. I’ll be the pilot.
TESS: And I’m the stewardess.
BESS: You can’t be a stewardess.
TESS: Why not?
BESS: ’Cause.
TESS: No, I want to hear why.
BESS: You can’t.
TESS: Bess, tell me why I can’t be a stewardess.
BESS: Because you get sick. What if you get sea-sick on the plane?
TESS: Well, what about you?
BESS: But I’m the pilot. Pilots sit in their chairs, but stewardesses walk up and down the plane and serve food and help the passengers, you know?
TESS: Hm. I don’t want to be a stewardess anymore. I’ll be the co-pilot, is that all right?
BESS: Yep, that’s fine.
TESS: Wait, are we pilots men or women?
BESS: We’re men.
TESS: And are we English pilots?
BESS: Have you seen a big English aircraft?
TESS: Of course I have.
BESS: So? ’Course we’re English pilots. What kind of pilots would we be? I’ll be John and you’re George.
TESS: I don’t want to be George.
BESS: Why?
TESS: That was the name of a dog I knew.
BESS: OK, so you can be Mike.
TESS: Fine, I’m Mike.
BESS: Ok. How are you, Mike?
TESS: Good, thanks. Yourself?
BESS: I’m good. What’s the time, Mike?
TESS: Ten o ’clock.
BESS: Ten o ’clock. Oh dear, time to take off. Mike, is everything ready?
TESS: Yes, John, all ready. Prepaaare for take off! Passengers, please, fasten your seat belts. The engines are running. And where exactly are we flying to?
BESS: To New York, obviously.
TESS: Well, I’ve heard of New York. Never been there, but…
BESS: Watch out, Mike, we’re flying into some turbulence!
TESS: What’s happening? The plane is shaking. Aaagh, blackout!
BESS: Turn on the emergency lights.
TESS: They’re on. Ouch!
BESS: What’s going on?
TESS: Blown fuses. Prepare for emergency landing in San Francisco. Contact the air traffic control tower.
BESS: Control tower, control tower! They say we can land.
TESS: Ok, we’re landing.
BESS: Wait, I’m landing, I’m the first pilot.
TESS: I’m the first pilot.
BESS: Me!
TESS: Me!
BESS: Me!
TESS: Fine, suit yourself. I’m not going to argue with you.
BESS: We’re landing, landing gear into position.
TESS: In position.
BESS: We’re landing.
TESS: I’ve had enough of playing pilots.
BESS: Let’s have something to eat.
TESS: What have you got there?
BESS: I had a carrot. Where did I put it? Would madam like a steak?
TESS: I don’t like steak.
BESS: Maybe meatloaf?
TESS: No, thanks.
BESS: Risotto?
TESS: No. I don’t want to eat anything.
BESS: Are you all right?
TESS: I’m not sure.
BESS: Are you ill?
TESS: Maybe. I don’t feel well.
BESS: In that case, we have to perform a health check. Where does it hurt?
END OF SAMPLE TEXT
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